Hi there

So, this is me--and it isn't one of those "new week" posts--that'll come sometime later. This is a bit more personal, which is something I'm not comfortable with on a public, rather highly advertised (for me) format.

So here goes:

Through my classes here, God has been shedding a lot of light on how I interact with Him and how that needs to change. Big surprise, right? That's called spiritual growth, which is something I was expecting, anticipating, and even praying for on this trip (though I'd like to be growing every day no matter where I am--spiritual stagnation is something I've lived and it's a sad, lonely place to be in--but that's another story . . . ).

One way is just learning to listen to Him more, not "just" to obey, but to understand. In Reconciliation and Peacemaking we've been learning about our own generally preferred modes of dealing with conflict situations, what the biblical perspective on conflict is, and that ultimately conflict is dangerous, but it is also an opportunity for positive growth and change for the better, which is an idea that is really cool and new to me. Honestly, I tend to shy away from conflict situations in my own, face-saving way because I've always associated that conflict with a bad thing--and in avoiding the situations, I become part of the problem, because nothing is solved.

Okay, back to listening--I get the whole thing that real listening is an active process (which is one reason why being around people a lot wears me out) and should be selfless and all that--basic COM 101, and I loved that class, so I remember the stuff. It's helped me a lot in working with other people. However, then the guest lecturer mentioned that when the Bible speaks of listening, it mostly means "listening to obey God" which is a good thing, don't get me wrong--I still need to do more of that kind of listening. However, she separated from that "listening to understand" which is just a complete empathetic focus on the other person in order to help them be understood and affirmed. This doesn't mean you have to agree with the person, but you need to respect their dignity as a person made in the image of God (yep, back to that stuff! *laughs* ) and part of this is listening to them. I understand this to, but somehow yesterday it just connected that I should also be treated God this way--especially God!

You see, listening to obey God is great, but without a true, complete focus on Him, it can almost be like "okay God, what are the orders for today? I'm ready to go out there in obey!" A Martha approach over a Mary approach, always wanting to quantify God's Word into action when sometimes the only action that He wants me to take is just to be still and meditate in Him and His love, to surrender even my own gifts to serve. This is hitting me in a time where I feel like, having certain gifts, I should be using them and going out there and figuring them out--and He wants me to know about them too, but He's been telling me "stop worrying yourself trying to figure out and use something you can't even begin to understand. Seek Me first and my righteousness and I'll be happy to explain, in My perfect timing. Be still, My child." Crazy, how self-centred distractions can sneak into even the most altruistic-sounding things, hm?

As far as work God has been doing in my life, He's basically been reshaping my personality and I'm not always terribly thrilled with that. I mean, we're all fallen and so even our personalities need to be redeemed according to His grace and mercy displayed through Christ Jesus and His sanctifying Holy Spirit, but still... *whines* It's not easy to come out of my comfort zone! *laughs* And I've realized how much I like to try and hold onto my sense of identity, to place it in a box, to at least be able to quantify what I already know; it gives me cold comfort because I realize how much of my own personality and life experience is still a mystery to me. God is not letting me do that! ;-) He's been forcing me to face up to parts of myself and then taking the figured-out parts out of the box I store them in and reshaping those parts for His Divine and divinely amazing purposes. I wish I could be happy about that all the time, but I can't. *sighs* It's painful.

God, when I said I wanted to be grown, I wasn't thinking I'd be grown this much!

*laughs*

From Philippians 1:

"3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

This is the sort of verse I like to give out and quote to others, but something I need to remember is that these encouraging parts of the Bible were written for me as well!

So there's a page out of Nene's private journal entries--who knows, you may get another one or two before I come back...

Cheers!